When the Goalposts Keep Moving: How Conditional Love Shows Up in Enmeshed Families

Have you ever done exactly what someone asked of you, only to be met with a brand-new expectation you didn’t even know existed?

I’m often reminded of how frequently this dynamic shows up in therapy sessions, especially for people raised in enmeshed or chaotic families. Many clients experience this pattern without having the words for it. It’s just “how things work,” even when it feels confusing or exhausting.

One client, in particular, was deeply engaged in the process of building a life that felt steady, healthy, and truly hers. As she planned her next chapter, she started seeing the patterns she grew up with in a new light. She noticed dynamics involving her mother, her siblings, and the unspoken rules of her family system.

Here’s the type of situation she described and it may ring some bells for you:

A family member says, “Oh, you’re coming over this weekend for your dad's birthday? Great! We can’t wait to see you.”

It feels simple. Straightforward. Warm. She rearranges her weekend, shows up, celebrates, and genuinely enjoys being there.

Then, right in the middle of the birthday celebration, someone casually throws out:

“Oh, you’re not coming for dinner next Sunday? But we usually watch football games together…”

And there it is—the goalpost moves.

The moment she just showed up for?

Already forgotten.

The effort she made?

Discounted.

Suddenly, she’s measured against a new expectation she didn’t agree to and didn’t even know existed until she supposedly failed it.

And beneath that question is an unspoken message that many people from enmeshed families know deeply, even if they’ve never named it:

“If you want to be a good son/daughter/sibling/family member, you need to keep saying yes. If you take space, have boundaries, or make your own choices—you’re letting us down.”

This is where conditional love takes shape. This is how conditional love shows up in enmeshed families.

Not necessarily because the people involved are cruel or uncaring because often, they’re not. But the system teaches that love is transactional. That closeness requires self-sacrifice. That belonging has a price, and the price is usually your time, your emotional bandwidth, or your ability to say no without guilt.

When the goalposts keep moving, you learn:

• Show up for one thing? There will be another.

• Meet one need? Another will appear.

• Prove you care today? Better be ready to prove it again tomorrow.

No matter what you do, it’s never quite enough.

This is the part therapists often emphasize with clients—and the part I want to emphasize again:

When someone keeps moving the goalpost, it says nothing about your worth. It says everything about the pattern you were raised in.

This dynamic isn’t about love. It’s about control, obligation, and emotional scripting. It’s the kind of system where you’re expected to stay tangled in the family’s needs to maintain connection. And when you start to build a life outside of that system…the pressure intensifies. The guilt sharpens. The asks multiply.

But here’s the truth your nervous system may not have heard enough:

You are allowed to step out of a dynamic that requires you to prove your loyalty over and over again.

You’re allowed to:

- Show up with genuine care without overextending

- Enjoy your family without absorbing their expectations

- Have boundaries without feeling like you’re betraying anyone

- Let your adult life take shape without checking in for permission

And you’re absolutely allowed to stop running toward a finish line someone else keeps pushing further away.

If any of this feels familiar, here’s a gentle reminder for you:

Healthy love doesn’t require constant justification.

Healthy relationships don’t make you guess the rules.

Healthy families don’t move the goalpost the second you achieve the goal.

You deserve steady love. Predictable love. Love that doesn’t require you to shapeshift to keep it.

And you don’t have to give up your peace—or your growing, beautiful adult life—to meet someone else’s shifting expectations.

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For Fellow Clinicians reading this article

If you work with clients navigating enmeshed family patterns, shifting goalposts, or confusing relational feedback loops, this may feel familiar. These dynamics can leave both clients and clinicians feeling stuck, unsure how to conceptualize the cycle, or how to support meaningful change.

If you’d like a reflective space to think through cases like this, you’re welcome to submit an inquiry for Clinical Consultation & Professional Support.